I am a late-blooming step-mom. After rising from the ashes of a career burnout, I found myself falling into the same old traps when children came into my life. Use these guidelines to strengthen your ability to thrive – as a mother, as a woman.

To have the life I want, I will:
MODEL the behavior I want to see
Gandhi said it best when he said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” So if you want respect, respect. If you want understanding, understand. If you want happiness, be happy. And if you want your children to grow up to love and nurture themselves…

ORIENT my life around my values
Stress happens when you stray from your core values. The further you stray, the more stressful it is for you. Identify those values that are key to your happiness, learn to notice quickly when you are misaligned, and use a variety of tools and techniques to bring yourself back to center.

TAKE CARE of myself
When your needs are being met, it takes the pressure off of others to meet them, and life gets easier. Whether you need to be accepted, acknowledged, cared for, needed, safe, free, etc., honor that need and start getting it met so it stops driving all your actions and your very best self can emerge.

HELP OTHERS help me
You don’t have to be a martyr, suffering and sacrificing yourself, to be an extraordinary wife and mother. In fact, giving yourself away until you are exhausted and depleted is not a badge of honor. It leads to unhappiness and poor health, and sends the wrong message to your children. We train people how to treat us, and this includes our family. Does yours need retraining? Start now and help them help you be the Mom you want to be.

ENERGIZE daily
Here are 10 ways you can energize yourself every day: You can build your self-care skills, your De-Stress NOW skills, clarify your vision, and build communication and decision-making skills. And, you can let go of tolerations, attachments, resistance, taking things personally, and the need to be right. Choose one and focus on it for a week at a time, or choose a different one every day to explore. Either way is perfect – each is a major energizer and whatever attention you bring to it will make a positive difference.

REST when I am tired
Animals and kids rest when they are tired, naturally. Why don’t you? Even a few minutes can make a world of difference in the quality of your life, so make carving out time to rest, relax and rejuvenate a priority. And help others help you do it!

SAY IT so it can be heard
When you speak directly, with kindness, respect and a willingness to listen and understand, your message can get through. Thinking it isn’t saying it. Yelling it can’t be truly heard. Neither can blaming, shaming or justifying. Make your requests out loud – the people you love really do want to please you, but they aren’t mind-readers. And be sure to sing praises out loud and often, too. Both will deepen your connection – to yourself and to them.

Patty Cook is an Executive Life Coach and founder of Life by Design, which she founded in 2000. Now celebrating over 11 years of victory over breast cancer, Patty has experienced first-hand how quickly and radically life can change its course, and is committed to supporting people in living like there’s no tomorrow, today. She walked away after 18 years from a highly successful construction career she absolutely loved because she didn’t know how to deal with the stress of it. Since 1992, she has dedicated her life to helping people do what they love to do, and are good at, without paying such a high price for their success.

E-mail: patty@lifebydesign.biz
Website: www.lifebydesign.biz

“He is just that into you.”  What a great turn of a popular phrase from author and mom Elisabeth Corcoran and her new book by the same title.  This title takes a comment that could be a source of self-doubt and sadness and turns it into one of hope and consolation.  Elisabeth’s new book of reflections is available now, and she shared a preview with Minutes to Moments.  This reflection, like all in her book, is a goldmine of thoughts and hopes that many women will relate to.  Take a look:

I have a friend who is one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.  Like, I wonder why, really, she likes to hang out with me when I’m old (in comparison) and not nearly as cool.  But we get along really well, we can talk about pretty much anything and we’ve seen each other through none-too-few crises.  Like, really, in the past eight or so years since we’ve been friends, one or both of us have been in deep weeds in some way, shape or form at any given time.  But we’ve walked the various roads together…waiting in hospitals, waiting on freeways, waiting in church sanctuaries, waiting in an airport for a little girl to arrive from Africa, waiting in a courtroom for a verdict, little things like that.  (Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like we just sit around playing the Death March, wearing black, writing poetry about our collective sorrows…we do actually have fun together…)

The other day, she and I were on a walk, and I asked what was new.  She said something like, “Ummm, almost nothing.  Things are…good…normal,” she said almost hesitantly as if a bolt of lightening would strike us both dead on the spot for daring to admit that.  And we kind of looked at each other and I think I said, “Wow, what’s that like?” and then we laughed.  We almost didn’t know how to do just small talk.  Not when we’ve together tackled the issues of life that we’ve covered over the years. 

Which got me thinking.  And maybe this is just me.  But I’m finally beginning to see that life is just one hard thing after another, with, hopefully some breaks in between to refuel.  I think I’ve had in the back of my head that surely one day the hard stuff would stop and I would have a really long remission.  But I don’t think it’s like that.  Granted, I know some people who somehow skate through life.  Who really have had almost nothing hugely bad happen to them.  I don’t know if I really get those people.  Because there is such a depth to people who’ve really been hammered by life but keep getting up again.  I love people like that. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with having nothing bad happen to you…I’m not saying you should go out and drum up some tragedies or something just to muster a bit of character development, but I just think there is a huge difference in a person who’s been through something compared to a person who hasn’t. 

And this may sound odd, but I actually love plumbing the depths of a hard situation.  Maybe it’s the melancholy talking in me.  But there’s almost a part of me that says bring it on.  I should probably keep that to myself.

What are you going through these days?  Is it a heavy burden that’s dragging you down?  Walk through it with a friend, and walk through it with God, letting Him hold your hand and carry you through…just keep walking.

He wants to bring you healing.  The question is, “Do you want to be made well?”  

Excerpt from He Is Just That Into You. 

© Elisabeth K. Corcoran, 2009

https://www.winepressbooks.com

These days, I feel like I just keep walking, trusting that things will work out and turning over the areas that need to be healed. 

Dear reader, how’s your journey these days?

My oldest daughter has been talking about how much she wants to leave home since she was in the third grade.  She is both blessed and cursed with her mother’s sense of independence and stubbornness, so it has never been shocking to hear her say how she can’t wait to live on her own terms. 

Years fly by and now I have only 8 more days to teach my daughter everything I want her to know (despite her resistance) before I leave her in a dorm room 250 miles away from home.

I have been so excited about her leaving because I know she is SO ready and eager.  I know some of the best years of her life (to date) are waiting just a week away for her.  I’m thrilled for her to start this next exciting and challenging chapter in her life.  Only today did I give any pause to how it feels to ME about her leaving. 

It is hard to reconcile the feelings of having been responsible for her every moment for the last 18 years and then, BOOM, all in one day she’s completely out of my sight. That finely honed sonar that we mothers have faithfully kept alert every single day of her life must somehow, quickly, carefully be turned down to a allow her to grow into an independent adult.  I’m new at this and not sure how it works.  But, I am sure that it is better for all if I don’t roll around in thoughts about her leaving home too much for the next 8 days.  If the Mother-Antelope appears weak, the Daughter-Tiger may attack it!

Looking ahead I know I’m entering the ranks of mothers who wish their child will call them.  Silently worrying, hoping for the best, and secretly delighted to learn that she misses me – this is my future.  Eighteen years ago I brought a tiny baby home from the hospital and now a beautiful woman is eager to leave in 8 more days.

– Renee Bauer Soffer