Fredrick Buechner from his book Telling Secrets:

Events happen under their own steam as random as rain, which means that God is present in them not as their cause but as the one who even in the hardest and most hair-raising of them offers us the possibility of that new life and healing which I believe is what salvation is. 

For instance, I cannot believe that a God of love and mercy in any sense willed my father’s suicide; it was my father himself who willed it as the only way available to him from a life that for various reasons he had come to find unbearable.  God did not will what happened the early November morning in Essex Falls, New Jersey, but I believe God was present in what happened.  I cannot guess how he was present with my father—I can guess much better how utterly abandoned by God my father must have felt if he thought about God at all—but my faith as well as my prayer is that he was and continues to be present with him in ways beyond my guessing. 

I can speak with some assurance only of how God was present in that dark time for me in the sense that I was not destroyed by it but came out of it with scars that I bear to this day, to be sure, but also somehow the wiser and stronger for it.  Who knows how I might have turned out if my father had lived, but through the loss of him all those years ago I think that I learned something about how even tragedy can be a means of grace that I might never have come to any other way. 

As I see it, in other words, God acts in history and in your and my brief histories not as the puppeteer who sets the scene and works the strings but rather as the great director who no matter what role fate casts us in conveys to us somehow from the wings, if we have our eyes, ears, hearts open and sometimes even if we don’t, how we can play those roles in a way to enrich and ennoble and hallow the whole vast drama of things including our own small but crucial parts in it.

Henri Nouwen, on his mother’s love for him

Dear Reader, who in your life has loved you the way Henri Nouwen described?

The call came with a 7-pound bundle named Abby, 14 months after the wedding.  Before she arrived, we enjoyed our 2-career lives and an active social life.  After her arrival, we spent our days and nights “redefining normal” as my husband succinctly described it.  During the pregnancy, we heard new parents complain that they’d lost all track of time.  We’d shake our heads in private – “They’re just not managing their time well,” we sniffed.  When we became parents, our time got managed all right—around her schedule.  If she missed a nap or meal, we knew immediately and paid for it with a cranky child…the kind you see in restaurants that you vow will never be yours. 

Humbled and sleep-deprived, we learned a few lessons.  If I met an expectant couple today, and they were open to advice (unlike one overly confident, judgmental pair years ago), I’d offer some suggestions for their success—and some days, survival—during the newborn stage of bringing up baby:

1)       Rest when the baby rests.  When the baby’s quiet, it’s so tempting to clean the house a little, throw in a load of laundry or make a few phone calls.  When my baby napped, I felt emancipated, and raced around the house tending to what I thought were important, urgent and essential tasks.  Inevitably the fatigue caught up with me.  Just as I’d settle in for a nap, restless noises would drift from the nursery, followed by coos and eventually, cries.  My precious window of quiet time gone, I’d drag myself from my bed and start the cycle again. 

Believe me, the chores can wait.  The most important, urgent and essential task is to take care of yourself so you can care for the baby.  Which brings me to my next suggestion…

2)      Call on others and ask for help.  Ask for what you need and receive it with gratitude.    As point one illustrates, don’t try to be Supermom.  Not only do you have a demanding, impatient little one to take care of, your body is healing physically, hormonally, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. 

I suffered through a bout of mastitis while nursing.  I was completely exhausted.  With no immediate family available, a friend suggested I call our local church for help.  I was connected to the head of the seniors’ group, who was absolutely tickled at the notion of caring for a newborn.  He scheduled shifts of volunteers for later in the week.  My pride couldn’t accept the help.  After a day on antibiotics I declared myself capable and called him to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.”  I can still hear the disappointment in his voice as he said, “Well, okay,” and hung up the phone.  To this day, I deeply regret not letting those dear folks come to our home and love my baby, and me, with a few hours of TLC.

People want to help, so let them and accept it with gratitude.  With their assistance, you’ll get the rest you need, which is key to the next two suggestions…

3)      Be in the moment with your child.  One of the most profound lessons of parenting is to be in the moment.  You cannot negotiate with a hungry or tired infant.  They need to be fed NOW, or changed NOW, or comforted NOW.  Plus, even the tiniest infant is learning and growing by interacting with you.  Don’t deny the baby or yourself these irreplaceable moments. Learning to set aside what we have planned is one challenge of parenting.  Roll with it, rather than fight it, and see what surprises are in store. 

4)      Pray every day.  Take time with your Creator—the one who gave life to you and this little bundle of needs.  Your relationship with God is the primary one in your life, so make it a priority.  The peace you’ll find in these quiet moments will set the tone for your day and help you be more present to your child.  I’m famous for jumping out of bed and crossing off the to-do list.  When I start with prayer before the tasks, I’m in a better frame of mind and can handle whatever situations arise during the day with grace and humor. 

5)      Trust your instincts.  They’ll be times when you’re so sleep-deprived and dizzy you don’t know what to do.  Stop worrying about what the experts might say and call on your intuition.  Dr. Spock’s work is laced with the idea that “No one knows your child better than you do, and you should trust your instincts.”  Look for guidance, and listen to your heart to make the best decisions you can. 

6)      Forgive yourself.  Motherhood is truly on-the-job training, and some shifts will go more smoothly than others.  Don’t hold on to regrets, the “If I’d known then what I know now” kind.  Everyone knows you’re doing the best you can.  Imagine a friend confiding her self-judgment to you.  How would you treat her?  Comfort yourself with the same love and compassion you would give to your friend.

7)      What bothers you most about being a parent is probably the very change you need to make.  Part of the gift this little one brings is what he or she will teach you.  I mentioned earlier being “in the moment” with your child.  This is my big issue—regretting the past, or worrying about the future and missing what’s right in front of me.  My daughter’s care, her need for my attention, and her new smile and shining eyes drew me into that present moment with her.  When I released those distractions, I was at peace and surrounded by love.  For my husband, he’s learned greater patience.  So, rather than focusing on the inconvenience of child care, look for the ways this little one is calling you to grow.  Those tiny hands are holding up a mirror to you.  Gaze lovingly at what you see, take it to prayer, and keep your heart open.

My husband and I thought we knew it all, but we were like children again—learning our new roles as parents.  Our daughter’s arrival changed everything, permanently, and created a “new normal” in our home.  For all the changes she’s instigated, my abiding sense has been of how well it all just seems to fit. 

“We have an Abby!”  the doctor announced the moment she made her entrance.  He placed her in my arms and my heart rejoiced with a simple, “Of course.”  Of course this was Abby, and of course she was ours.  She would be the one to transform this self-centered couple into a family.  Yet, as I held her tiny body in my arms, it was as if she’d been there all along.

Dear Reader:  What advice do you have for new parents?

Dan Shapiro offers his humorous, heart warming insights on news that forever changed his perspective on running errands, negotiating with his wife, and fixing the kitchen disposal.

To Dan, we say, “Amen!”

Water, Wind, Earth, and Fire: The Christian Practice of Praying with the Elements invites the pray-er to incorporate each of these elements into his or her spiritual life.  These four elements aid the mystic in the journey to deeper experiences of God.   They each reflect a dimension of God, and yet are the simple stuff of our earthly existence.

In addition to Paintner’s insights and experiences, Ralph Waldo Emerson, St. Francis of Assisi, Chet Raymond, Hildegard of Bingen, and other mystics, poets and writers share their wisdom.  Each brings their own voice to the wonders of God expressed through creation. 

Water, wind, earth and fire present themselves to us in many different forms.  Whether solid, liquid, gas or some combination influenced by temperature or light, each offer a poignant theological lesson.  Each invites us to surrender to God’s magnificent power and to know at the core of our being that we are uniquely created and loved by Him.

There are really two selves to consider here, one the “self”: that woman, wife, mother, sister, friend, daughter who is always putting others first, and; the “Self”: that marvelous, unique person who has been created by God and whom God constantly invites into deeper relationship, and fuller expression, in life.

Take for example the sisters in scripture who embody these two selves:  Martha and Mary.

In Luke’s Gospel, we read: “But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.’” 

Let’s rewind a bit and take a look at the scene that took place before Jesus’ remark to Martha. When we first met Martha, she was running around her house hosting Jesus and his disciples. Martha was trying to be a good hostess; after all, she had a celebrity in her midst! In her whirlwind of activity, she noticed her sister, Mary, had seated herself at the foot of Jesus and was enjoying his teaching. Noting Jesus’ hold on Mary’s attention, Martha asked him to intercede with Mary and ask her to contribute to the work of entertaining their guests. Instead, Jesus turns his rebuke to Martha, and seems to judge her efforts as unimportant.

How hurtful and confusing! Martha was doing what she’d been raised to do—prepare a lovely table for her guests—and doing it well, no doubt. Yet the teacher whom she admired seemed unsympathetic to her plight. Imagine the sting of embarrassment in her heart, the flush of red on her cheeks, and the tears that filled her eyes as she turned away from Jesus.

We cannot hear the tone of voice with which Jesus speaks to Martha. If she was harried and unable to enjoy herself at the party, perhaps his words were spoken with compassion. Perhaps he was inviting her to relax a bit and enjoy the fellowship of the gathering, and not let the tasks of entertaining consume her. This is good advice for everyday of life, not just when hosting a party. Martha, so occupied with serving others, needs to tend her “self” so that she won’t get burned out.

Perhaps Mary’s is the better choice, or at least should be the first choice in our busy lives–to take time in prayer and quiet ourselves in the presence of God.  Mary
 is tending to her “Self”:  that part of her where God resides.

Our busy days challenge us to attend to the Self as well as the self.  When both are cared for, marvelous transformations take place.

Consider the next time we meet Martha in the Scriptures, in John’s Gospel:
“Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’”

Just a few few short years after her dinner party, we meet a woman transformed by faith. Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and their brother Lazarus very much. When Lazarus died, Jesus came to visit the sisters, and Martha was the one who met him on the road and proclaimed her faith in him. The one busy and distracted by many things becomes the one to declare her faith so simply and plainly that Jesus performs one of the most powerful and dramatic miracles of his ministry. Her faith healed her brother, and her family. If Martha can be so changed, there is hope for all the Martha’s in the world!

And so it is essential, to be the fullest expression of God’s love to those around us, to put our Self first, and our self. 

Why It’s Okay (Actually, Essential) to Put Yourself First

Grab a few quiet moments and read this simple process to get a great plan together for the second half of 2010.

Read their thoughtful and funny responses in my column at the St. Louis Globe-Democrat online.

What are the unspoken thoughts you hold in your heart?